The First Time I Ever Went To UCB

When I was 17 years old I would tape the Upright Citizens Brigade sketch show on Comedy Central. I would rewatch Ass Pennies, Shut Up, Enormous Penis, Spaghetti Jesus, and In Bed Fortune Cookie almost every day. Not only were they hilarious but I was obsessed with two things: 1. how hard they’d hit funny themes that would carry throughout the show, and 2. how they’d go off course and come back to the main note of each scene. Unfortunately for me, everybody I knew HATED it.

“It’s just gross and stupid,” said my one friend. “Just like you.”

So when a girl I had a crush on was similarly into UCB and told me she’d love to one day go to their club on 22nd street, I made it a date. I wrote down the number to the theater, got a pitcher of water and a cup, locked my door, and carefully dialed.

“May I have two tickets to ASSSSCAT please?” I asked, and the VERY kind woman on the other end began taking my information.

Until a very loud beeping noise interrupted our call.

“Ow,” cried the woman on the line. I recognized the beeping. My mom had picked up the phone and without checking who was on the line, hit autodial. I wanted to die, not only did my mom assault this woman, but UCB knew who I was.

“Mom…” I spoke into the phone, and she said sorry and hung up. I apologized profusely to the woman, and she said it was ok.

I poured myself a glass of water.

Earlier that week I had played basketball, and a girl walked up to me on the court and said I looked really cute in my basketball gear. So I figured, well then this is what I should wear on my date. I immediately knew this was a mistake upon meeting my date when she asked, “did you just come from basketball?”

“No,” I answered, and quick thinking I replied, “but I might play after.”

Even though I had lived in Queens my whole life, this was actually most first trip into the city without my parents. I told my date that, and I joked that I can’t wait to see all the celebrities who just walk around Manhattan all day.

As we exited the 23rd street F station, we walked into Janeane Garafolo.

We looked at each other and laughed about who else we were gonna see. But as we turned a corner, we started walking with Horatio Sanz. Now I started to get freaked out. When we got to UCB and stood in line, Will Ferrell, Amy Poehler, Ian Roberts, and Matt Walsh were standing next to us.

By “standing next to us” I don’t mean they were in the corner. It was like they were the old barricades at UCB Chelsea, making sure the line didn’t extend into the street. I couldn’t help myself and I approached Amy.

“Hi I just want to say I’m a huge fan of your show and you and I think you’re so funny.”

“Thank you,” she answered, and she asked if I knew Will, Ian, and Matt Walsh.

“Uh no,” I replied and they introduced themselves to me.

“I can’t believe I just met you,” I said to Will very weirdly, and he just replied, “Ohhhhhh” and did a handgun motion at me.

ASSSSCAT that night was the UCB4 minus Besser, Will, Horatio, Jerry Minor and some other people who were even funnier. Among the highlights, I remember very clearly a scene where rich people played a giant version of RISK. I laughed so hard and it was truly one of the best nights of my life.

Sept. 9th, 2001.

I don’t know if you remember what happens two days later, but I called my date up on Sept 13th and asked her how she was doing. She said she wasn’t doing great but she didn’t know anybody personally who died in the attacks. I said the same and we began talking about other things. But finally I asked her out again, and in fact asked if she’d like to go to UCB again.

“No,” she replied.

“Ah ok,” I said, crushed. “Any particular reason?”

There was a long pause before she sighed and went:

“Yeah…9/11 just happened.”

“Mmm, right,” I replied, and thus began my rich tradition of sitting at UCB shows by myself for the next few years.

And I want to say that I did actually once perform on that old stage. There was a jam which I believe was called “Jamming with Ralph” that went on as long as there was an audience. The host would repeat that. ANYBODY can walk on from the audience and if people are still there at 4 am, the show keeps going. Around 1 am, after watching for an hour, I walked on and said a line. It bombed, I watched for another hour, and I went home.

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